Emotions

May 7, 2012

Sometimes I get emotional..

Most of the times I try and keep it to myself or the Duck, but after the past few weeks I have had…I decided to share it with you all…mainly just because you all lift me up so much and seem to say the right things when I need it most! 
The duck has been gone for 5 weeks now on tour and he still won’t be home till the end of the month.
I am a full time working from home stay at home Mom…..
This means I work a normal 12-14 hour day and am a mommy 24 hours a day with a sitter who helps 2 days a week….and a hubby who will be gone for the majority of the rest of the year. 
Recently lots of crazy huge opportunities have been coming my way and quite quickly landing on my lap. I am so excited and eager to make the next big jump in my career and future. However I am carrying around this giant Lump in my throat thinking about my baby.
You see… 
When I first had G the plan was for me to be a stay at home Momma. For 8 months I was at home with my monkey day in and day out just the two of us bonding and being Mommy daughter. The duck was gone for a lot of these first months so I really had a lot of alone time with my thoughts. I was co-sleeping and breast feeding and basically a solo mama and needless to say I got a bit  overwhelmed. 
As much as I loved G, I didn’t love the way I felt staying at home. I felt useless and like I was withering away with nothing more to talk about then poop, breast milk, and sleeping..  I needed to do something creative but I felt guilty for leaving my baby.
Because the duck was gone I didn’t have a lot of support or many friends to talk to about how isolated I felt so I just decided that I was gonna get my ass back to work and never let G out of my sight for longer than a few hours.
 I could make it work….I can do it all, right???
I would go to work and literally every two hours would get whoever was watching G to come to meet me at work so I could breast feed her. She wouldn’t take a bottle ,so I was on a 2 hour time limit anywhere I went.
I grew to just accept that in order for me to have a career I would have to do both Mommy and work at the same time and do both 100%….
and here is where the emotional part comes in.
I have done my best to try and keep G at home with me, but work is overwhelming and G is getting frustrated with my obvious pre-occupation. 
I am realizing that I cannot do it all AND have a happy baby if she is getting ignored. My first priority is to G as her Mommy and I only want whats best for her. 
I say this because it may be time to put her in preschool and I am crying just typing this. 
I have been scouring the Internet trying to find reasons why I should and reasons why I should not, but the general consensus seems to be, you should do what is best for your child…..
What is wrong with me?
I took G to an open house at one of the perspective schools we are looking at and she LOVED it…she talked about it for a week and kept asking if she was “going to go to skoo”. You would think I would be happy to put her somewhere I know she will love being…but I am scared shitless.
I am a control freak by nature and the thought of not knowing her every move KILLS ME! 
Who will hug her if she falls, who will understand that when she walks up to you on her tippy toes and says “woobeenook” that she wants to cuddle. Who will know that she is hungry or tired or just needs to chill??????
Seriously I am hysterically crying typing this..
Lovers, PLEASE give me your stories. Tell me it’s gonna be OK or tell me I am a horrible Mother for even thinking about putting her in school before she is 3…or just tell me to take a bath and a xanax and get over it.
I don’t know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Sorry for the Monday bum out but I am just at a crossroads.
Look at how freaking cute she is!!!!

See how hard this must be!



  1. I started my baby girl in school this past fall, a couple of months before she turned three. We were, at first, looking for something a few days a week, but the school we ending up loving, only offered five days a week. It was hard a first, but now we have all adjusted. And as much as we all love our babies, it’s best for them to have a chance to interact and learn in ways that we can’t always provide (everyday, all day). It’s hard to let them go AND hard to admit that we can’t do it all…but, we can’t. Good luck.

  2. Amber, pre- school is good for children. They learn how to interact with other children and learn how to socialize, but this can be a very difficult decision.. Our society makes women feel that being a Mom is not important. I have 3 children that are 24 to 30 years old. My father has Alzheimer. As you get older you realize the most important thing you can do is nurture your children and family.Life is very short and it goes by so fast. It isn’t about poop and diapers, its about loving them encouraging them and teaching them. It sounds like you have a good balance between work and children. Just balance your time, but don’t let today’s society make you feel that being home is not important or productive. You are giving your child you.. Only you and your husband can make this very personal decision.It comes down to balancing your time. Hang in there….It sounds like you are a wonderful Mom.

  3. awwww… it’s so hard, especially when it’s your favorite little friend. preschool is exactly what this kind of thing is there for. it’s not about the academics and the structure at this age, it’s for FUN. you get your work done, she plays..you both win! you will know where the right place is for her, it’s a mama’s instincts. don’t beat yourself up about it, because u can ALWAYS pull her out! u have your priorities straight, G is first and work…it will always be there for u because you’re that great & people will wait! just think of all the awesome fingerpainted art she’ll bring home. my 3 girls r 12,9,6 and i still cry somedays that i have to send them to school. and my husband travels too, i get it! as women, we need to feel normal. sorry it’s made u so sad. xo, keli (courtney’s new friend :)… )

  4. hello, usually I comment on design, never about private matters. Hello emotions! I couldn’t finish reading your story without crying as well. You see, I too have a little one and my story is a bit different I didn’t have the career before the baby. It took us seven years to get our son. I love being his mom and he is now two. WIth all the work that it took us to get our child, I was obssessed with getting pregnant, I couldn’t do anything else, but work at getting pregnant. Then he arrived and I felt like I could breathe again. I love, love, love being a mom, but I also started to feel a tug of war inside myself. I need to do a little something for myself so I went back to school for interior design. I also put my son in a preschool three times a week. He loves it! I guess what I wanted to say is, hang in there! It’s not easy and there are sacrifices, but you will know in your heart what is right for you and your family.

  5. I relate to you on this so so much! My husband works 5 am to 7 pm Monday to Saturday, on a very stressful job, so basically I’m a single parent (I have a 2 year old boy) 6 days a week. Besides that, I live in a remote town up in the north of an even more remote island in the pacific where there is absolutely nothing but us and some grocery shops. So I stay at home with a child all week long. And I know is not easy. I know that there are some people out there who were born to be just mothers and maybe it’s easier for them, but I’m not one of those. Not that I don’t love my child to death, but I have my own ambitions and aspirations. So I feel what you’re going through. We have to make decisions based on what’s best for our kids, but we also have to think about ourselves too, and is not being selfish, it’s just how someone once told me: If mommy is not happy, everything falls apart. So I believe we got to find a balance and it seems to me that your balance is putting her into school. I support that decision, don’t feel bad about it, I can see you’re a good mother!

  6. I relate to you on this so so much! My husband works 5 am to 7 pm Monday to Saturday, on a very stressful job, so basically I’m a single parent (I have a 2 year old boy) 6 days a week. Besides that, I live in a remote town up in the north of an even more remote island in the pacific where there is absolutely nothing but us and some grocery shops. So I stay at home with a child all week long. And I know is not easy. I know that there are some people out there who were born to be just mothers and maybe it’s easier for them, but I’m not one of those. Not that I don’t love my child to death, but I have my own ambitions and aspirations. So I feel what you’re going through. We have to make decisions based on what’s best for our kids, but we also have to think about ourselves too, and is not being selfish, it’s just how someone once told me: If mommy is not happy, everything falls apart. So I believe we got to find a balance and it seems to me that your balance is putting her into school. I support that decision, don’t feel bad about it, I can see you’re a good mother!

  7. Thank you for this post! I too am currently struggling with these emotions, and I don’t even work! I am lucky to be able to have the opportunity to stay with my now 3 year old son, but I am now feeling the need to go back out there and work and connect with other people, but most importantly, I am starting to see and realize that my son needs to have other people around to interact with besides me and my husband. He needs playmates that are of his age! I have the same fears and control issues as you and it is killing me inside but I know that it will be the best for his own personal growth. Maybe start part-time with G and let the both of you adjust to the new settings, I for sure will def start slow with this pre-school thing as well!

  8. I knew you would have tons of comments on this subject and they are the longest comments I have ever seen on a post. Comments above have pretty much said what’s abundantly clear. Good mothers almost always feel guilty when leaving their children in the care of others. Especially true with a first child. Bottom line is that the right daycare can be 1 of the best experiences for their little minds. While we all think that there is nobody that can love and care for our children like we do…it’s simply not true. Children flourish in good daycare settings and learn so many things that cannot be taught to an only child staying at home. Doubtful you will have any regrets by sending her and you will quickly see how much she loves it. Fair warning: you will probably cry the first day you drop her off. We all did too and then later realized they were needless tears. Good luck!
    PS: many daycares have webcams, so that you can always take a peak at what they are doing. My colleagues would just keep it open at work and peak in several times a day to see happy children enjoying their day.

  9. hear me….
    it is a win win situation. having her at preschool will eliminate this crazy control issue. i was the same as you. 100%. most moms are. your situation is not uncommon. and trust me when i say, once she is at preschool she will thrive. and you will be happy bc she is thriving. she needs the playmates. she needs to learn how to interact with children. fiona is an only child too. and once she got to preschool she learned so much that i could not teach her at home.
    and g is giving you the signs that she needs more. and being at home with you isn’t doing her any more favors. and listen, preschool only lasts for like 4 hours. so it’s a blip of time. in 3 months you are going to be wishing that it was longer. trust.

  10. Hola Amber, I love your post and this is the first time I will be writing to you. I feel that I have to share with you.
    It is so true as many others say that all of us go through the mami guilt. I have a 3 year old and she was born with a heart defect; after two open heart surgeries and other two angioplasties one of the many lessons that I learn is that we can’t protect our kids from everything we would like to. So please don’t feel guilty, you are making her stronger and able to get her needs/ideas through. Last year, before my daughter turned 2 I decided to enroll her in daycare 2 days a week while I went to work. Part of the reason is that she is really shy and I wanted her to socialize with other kids and the other part is that that is how I grew, I went to school since I was little and I think I came out all right ;P. The first 2 weeks were the hardest; I sobbed and she cried every time I left (remember she went to school just 2 days a week) but as soon as I got to the parking lot I connect to the daycare webcam and realize that she was a happy butterfly playing around.

    It is the wisest thing I’ve done, she is so happy, has learn so much. The way I see it is: no one will love her more than I and her daddy do but I have to accept that this girls that went to school to work with kids have more knowledge and skills to offer her. She loves to go to school and she has flourished in so many ways. I am so happy with what I can get done with a little of me time.

    Now we are expecting our second daughter and will definitely will register for daycare before she turns 2… Is a way to get my sanity back!

    Love your way lady!
    Mónica

    It is my way of saying it is going to be ok, it is a smart decision, you will be in a better place knowing that she is having fun, learning and socializing.

  11. Oh my gosh, Amber. Completely feel your pain. I now have two in daycare. My son will be 3 in August and my daughter is almost 11 months. I went back to work b/c I had to for financial reasons. Either go back to work or move. So I went back to work and cried all day in my cube for at least a week. It was awful. I really felt like my arm was amputated or something. But then, I saw how much my son loved it. He learns so much from being in “school” with his friends, and he has the best time with them. I only work a half day on Fridays and I used to keep him home with me, but now I send both kids because they really love it. They need it, and I need the extra time to run errands, buy groceries, etc. With my little girl I thought it would be easier, but I started crying about going back to work when I had two more months at home. It stunk again, but she loves it too. Hang in there. It will get better. Sweet G will thrive at school! And you will learn to appreciate the time you have to yourself while she is there so you can really concentrate on the amazing work you do! Love your blog and all the projects you are working on!! You are a superstar mommy!!!

  12. You’ve got guts lady. To put this all out there for us to read, and to ask for help in understanding what you’re going through, you are incredible!!

    I’m not a mother yet. I struggle with time issues, control issues, and issues of this idea of self-ish vs self-less ..which I think is an incorrect notion of comparison…am I selfish because I want my free time? but I also love that having a child is giving everything I have to them to make them everything they can be in this world- but i’m terrified of it all seeing women who are stronger and more powerful than me struggle with this…how can that work for lil ol me? I’m creative and own my own business too. I wonder if I’ll ever “have the time” to have a kid, if i’ll mess it up, if i’ll be constantly overwhelmed. Maybe everyone struggles with these questions. I think it might be true. I see you as a strong creative powerful woman who has it all and i guess you struggle too. I guess it’s part of being a woman. We’re built with this level of expectation to perfection for ourselves and we live every moment living up to our own expectations. YOU ARE AMAZING!! To be able to juggle everything and fit it in the way you do- you’ve got mad skillz lady. How you’ve done what you do with a baby is just incredible. Everything you are feeling is something I see all my mom friends go through.

    I don’t have kids, but I do know that kids thrive with other kids, they challenge eachother to learn more, they learn how to be around other people, they surprise us constantly with how deeply perceptive they are, I watch my god-daughter and I am always in awe of her.

    One thing that helps me when I feel down is remembering a couple things the Dalai Llama said- take care of yourself first and then others -ok mom’s i know you’re going to throw tomatoes at me for saying that, i hear the collective gasp- but this is a metaphor. If you ignore “taking care” of yourself, you are not strong enough, whole enough, wise enough etc to “help” others when they need help without hurting yourself. Martyrdom is not a gift to others. “Taking care” can mean different things to different people. For you, it’s obvious that a huge part is feeling fulfillment with your creativity and the career that you’ve built for yourself. The second is that you are not doing the world any good by not being everything that you can be, meaning don’t hold yourself back, that creates regret. You are an example to your daughter and what you do, she watches and learns from and it shapes her as a woman to come. And now that she is old enough, you are now able to start teaching her how to be as strong and independent and amazing as you are by letting her develop on her own who she is not just around you, but with the rest of the world, so that she can be everything that she can possibly be in her life. This is your gift to your daughter.

    Of course you don’t want to let go, of course you feel guilty, of course you want to be there for every moment. But you’ve seen THOSE kids right? they’re wack. (i hope that made you laugh) As your daughter grows, you grow and your relationship changes. Recognizing those moments of change is hard and you’re AMAZING for talking your way through this big one!!

    Keep doing what you’re doing, you’re a dope lady!
    xx

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