Emotions

May 7, 2012

Sometimes I get emotional..

Most of the times I try and keep it to myself or the Duck, but after the past few weeks I have had…I decided to share it with you all…mainly just because you all lift me up so much and seem to say the right things when I need it most! 
The duck has been gone for 5 weeks now on tour and he still won’t be home till the end of the month.
I am a full time working from home stay at home Mom…..
This means I work a normal 12-14 hour day and am a mommy 24 hours a day with a sitter who helps 2 days a week….and a hubby who will be gone for the majority of the rest of the year. 
Recently lots of crazy huge opportunities have been coming my way and quite quickly landing on my lap. I am so excited and eager to make the next big jump in my career and future. However I am carrying around this giant Lump in my throat thinking about my baby.
You see… 
When I first had G the plan was for me to be a stay at home Momma. For 8 months I was at home with my monkey day in and day out just the two of us bonding and being Mommy daughter. The duck was gone for a lot of these first months so I really had a lot of alone time with my thoughts. I was co-sleeping and breast feeding and basically a solo mama and needless to say I got a bit  overwhelmed. 
As much as I loved G, I didn’t love the way I felt staying at home. I felt useless and like I was withering away with nothing more to talk about then poop, breast milk, and sleeping..  I needed to do something creative but I felt guilty for leaving my baby.
Because the duck was gone I didn’t have a lot of support or many friends to talk to about how isolated I felt so I just decided that I was gonna get my ass back to work and never let G out of my sight for longer than a few hours.
 I could make it work….I can do it all, right???
I would go to work and literally every two hours would get whoever was watching G to come to meet me at work so I could breast feed her. She wouldn’t take a bottle ,so I was on a 2 hour time limit anywhere I went.
I grew to just accept that in order for me to have a career I would have to do both Mommy and work at the same time and do both 100%….
and here is where the emotional part comes in.
I have done my best to try and keep G at home with me, but work is overwhelming and G is getting frustrated with my obvious pre-occupation. 
I am realizing that I cannot do it all AND have a happy baby if she is getting ignored. My first priority is to G as her Mommy and I only want whats best for her. 
I say this because it may be time to put her in preschool and I am crying just typing this. 
I have been scouring the Internet trying to find reasons why I should and reasons why I should not, but the general consensus seems to be, you should do what is best for your child…..
What is wrong with me?
I took G to an open house at one of the perspective schools we are looking at and she LOVED it…she talked about it for a week and kept asking if she was “going to go to skoo”. You would think I would be happy to put her somewhere I know she will love being…but I am scared shitless.
I am a control freak by nature and the thought of not knowing her every move KILLS ME! 
Who will hug her if she falls, who will understand that when she walks up to you on her tippy toes and says “woobeenook” that she wants to cuddle. Who will know that she is hungry or tired or just needs to chill??????
Seriously I am hysterically crying typing this..
Lovers, PLEASE give me your stories. Tell me it’s gonna be OK or tell me I am a horrible Mother for even thinking about putting her in school before she is 3…or just tell me to take a bath and a xanax and get over it.
I don’t know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
Sorry for the Monday bum out but I am just at a crossroads.
Look at how freaking cute she is!!!!

See how hard this must be!

  1. My daughter went to day care around 4 months and it was the HARDEST thing I’ve ever had to do – I mean HARDEST. I cried and cried and cried. I had the same thoughts that you wrote here, but I soon realized that no one is going to love her like Mommy and Daddy. It’s a different love. And she is still at that same school and LOVES it. She talks about her friends and her teachers – that’s how I know that she is happy and that makes me happy. It is going to be a hard first day for you and maybe even a hard first week, but it will get better quick.

  2. Dear Amber, You poor thing. This is a heart-wrenching dilemma that mums go through around the world every day of the year and no matter how many kids you have it’s still a struggle and a painfully difficult decision every time it presents itself. I am pregnant with my 3rd and both of mine went to daycare, not because I was working full time, I was freelancing and working a bit from home, but because I simply needed a break from being a mum and so did they. It was galling putting my son into daycare at 2.5yr but then a little easier with my daughter at 18mths. I’m sure I’ll sign this one up at 6 weeks! The key is finding a centre that you feel completely comfortable with. I have found that it isn’t the facilities or the fancy equipment or the number of toys they have, it’s the carers that absolutely make the difference. You need to find somewhere she will be cared for, loved, nurtured, cuddled and listened to. That’s what counts. I have found that older women are generally better at this, and more committed to staying at a centre for the long term. Young girls out of college or school tend to move around a lot more and it’s hard for little ones to bond and then lose that person if they keep turning over staff. At my daughter’s daycare the women are in their 30-50s and have been there for several years. They are all mothers and act like her aunts. It’s wonderful and I feel completely at ease. You need to know that the staff are committed, because I think that provides stability and confidence in your child. It does become easier though I assure you. You will stop worrying about her in time and thinking about every little thing she might be doing, and you will so enjoy your time apart to focus on what you love doing. In fact, you’ll get to a point when it’s 3pm and you suddenly realise you haven’t thought about her all day because you’ve been so busy and you suddenly remember you have a child. It’s quite a surprise! She needs stimulation, socialising, meeting other children, learning the rules of interaction and play, sharing, and can benefit from the huge range of activities that they can offer which you can’t. It will be great for both of you and I’m sure you won’t regret it. Mother Guilt is a pernicious, powerful and destructive thing, so don’t let it take over and dominate you. Know that you love your daughter, and the fact that you’re agonising over this is proof enough. Good luck. Mel x

  3. Your a good mommy for admitting you can’t give 100% to it all 100% of the time. I’ve sent all my kids to the same school for 10 years…trust me, if it’s a good one the teachers will give hugs when she’s sad and they will love and nurture her. My kids all started at 2 and they have done great! It’s ok to be a little selfish, taking time for yourself helps make you a better mommy!!

  4. Dont feel bad at all! I work at a childcare in Sydney where we have kids aged 4 months to 5 years. I work mostly with the toddlers and kids who are about to turn 3 and they are the ones that seem to have the best time.
    Yes they might occasionally get sad when you leave them in the morning but I can honestly say that ends in 5 minutes and then they are puzzled as to what fun activity to do with their new friends. And the kids leave at different times in the afternoon and when some kids are at pre-school longer they make ask when Mummy or Daddy are coming and then when the parents do come to collect them the kids are SO EXCITED!
    Its great becuase they get to learn, make heaps of new friends and interact and eventually love their teachers.

    Hope this helped x

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